Joakim Noah Teaches Defense and Rebounding

Yo son, you ready to learn some for real defense and rebounding from me, Joa-Noah? That's what I call me, son. For real, son. Word is bond, son.

First thangs first, dog. Yo, establish that position, son. Like get all up in they guts. You need to be sticky like tape.Get all up close on 'em so you can smell they dinner. Mikey Milly had some Cocoa Dinobites at about 11:30 am. Then he washed it down with some OJ. Breakfast for lunch or whateva.

So you get up in they face. Let 'em know you there. Then, dog, when they shoot, you ain't just let him shoot it like it ain't no thang. CHALLENGE that shot, son.

Get yo hand up. Jump at 'em. Just do what you got to do. Challenge it, son. You ain't want Tim Duncan just shootin' them bankshots like he ain't got to worry about you.

But yo, defense ain't end when the shot go up, dog. Get that oil, son. Get that oil.
I was gettin' metaphorical on that one, yo. Like when I say "get that oil," I'm really thinkin' "get that rebound." Like the rebound be the oil in that situation. So you gettin' that rebound.

Once you get that rebound? It's on, dog. Do yo thang. It's yo ball now. Go nuts, son. For real.
And yo, you get enough rebounds. You know what that means, right?

WE DANCIN' SON!

Various NBA Mafia Impersonations

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy....??

Heeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Hey.

Little Baby Blowtorch

I've been reticent to mention this because I feel like it might be a little too personal. However, I need all of your help. My wife has been pregnant the last nine months.

Last night, our baby was born. Despite my protests, she wouldn't go for the name Bonesaw Michaeljordan Kerby. I don't know why not, either. But since it was the start of the NBA season last night, she agreed to let me name it after whoever I want. I've got some ideas.

Might go with the 'best player in the game' strategy.

LeBron Treymes Kerby

Might try to make him more exotic.

Pau Kerby

Might go old-school.

Bill Kerby

Might go new-school.

Blake Kerby

Might go for the best look.

Dirk Nowitzkerby

This is basically the most important decision of my life, so I need your help.

What do you think?

The Blowtorch's Free Association Every Team Preview

My brother, my dad, and I got together to discuss the upcoming season last night. Here's what we came up with. No thinking, just emotions.

Start 9:00

Boston Celtics
Really want this team to get punched in the face even though some of their players are chill. The whole is less chill than the sum of the parts.

New Jersey Nets
Chateau Kerby's fourthish favorite team, only because of Brook Lopez and Devin Harris.

New York Knicks
"Whoops." -- Mike D'Antoni

Philadelphia 76ers
Really like the shape of Lou Williams's head, very Seattle era Sam Perkins.

Toronto Raptors
Prepare to be disappointed.

Chicago Bulls
An impending sense of the sadness. Possibly the end of The Blowtorch if/when Brad Miller gets traded.

Cleveland Cavaliers
Insufferable.

Detroit Pistons
More like "Detroit" "Pistons."

Indiana Pacers
History's first uptempo team prominently featuring five white guys. Also, Five Guys burgers are overhyped, but still pretty good. Cajun fries are the real find there. As such, someone on the Pacers will be nicknamed "Cajun Fries".

Milwaukee Bucks
Can't stand ya.

Atlanta Hawks
Will win somewhere between 44 and 46 games forever.

Charlotte Bobcats
Whatever.

Miami Heat
Kind of think Dwade is going to leave because he doesn't like being in the sun because it makes him sweat too much and his skin burns then his wife is all like "I told you to put on sunscreen" then Dwade is like "I forgot and now my lips are chapped." This may be projecting.

Orlando Magic
Actually, surprisingly very excited about the Magics.

Washington Wizards
C'mon Internet. It's the Wizards. Chill out.

Denver Nuggets
By far the most meme-worthy of all NBA teams. Data Traveler 4GB contains SO MANY weird Nuggets pictures from this summer.

Minnesota Timberwolves
Can't decide between Minnesota TimberLOLves or Minnesota TimberWhoops.

Oklahoma City Thunder
Probably Chateau Kerby's third favorite team.

Portland Trail Blazers

Still employing Juwan Howard. Thanks, Blazers.

Utah Jazz
Kinda feels like the Jazz have neither added nor lost anyone from their team since Raul Lopez flamed out.

Golden State Warriors
Whatever.

Los Angeles Clippers
Hate you for making Bill Simmons look smart.

Los Angeles Lakers
I'm trying to grow my hair out in to some hybrid of Pau Gasol and Rudy Fernandez.

Phoenix Suns

Miss you.

Sacramento Kings
Inexplicably a team that I enjoy watching. Blame it on Ziller.

Dallas Mavericks
How many more teams are there because I'm getting tired of this. Basically the Utah Jazz of Texas.

Houston Rockets
Basically the Houston Rockets of Texas.

Memphis Grizzlies
Dreading the "watching this team is like watching a trainwreck" jokes that are surely being typed right now.

New Orleans Hornets
Sorry, Chris Paul.

San Antonio Spurs
Tell me have you ever, really really loved a woman.

End 9:16

1000 Words: Ersan Ilyasova Returns

It wasn't the two years of seasoning in Europe that convinced Milwaukee to bring back Ersan Ilyasova; it was the dedication to the Bucks aesthetic that sold them.

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 2

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. It's just a preseason game. You don't have to go all Rajon Rondo on Jason Richardson. He didn't even do anything, except beat you to the basket because you're like a thousand years old now. Maybe just let this one slide, considering the game didn't mean anything. Even Jason Richardson is confused. He's like, "sheeeeeeeesh."

Chill out, Juwan Howard

The "Chill Out, Juwan Howard" Chronicles, Volume 1

Tracking Juwan Howard's ill-fated stint with the Portland Trailblazers...

Chill out, Juwan Howard. You are not Steve Blake's best friend. Prior to this season, he was like everyone else: surprised you were still in the NBA. Now you're all like, "I've got your back, Steve Blake." But Steve Blake is like, "okaaayyy....."

Chill out, Juwan Howard

My New Job

I was just on Basketbawful's job board when I saw this posting for models at Derrick Rose's birthday party. I'm a pretty big fan of Derrick Rose, and modeling, and just the whole club scene in general, so I think I'm going to apply.

Something my teachers taught me back at Barbizon Modeling School is that peer review is a great tool. With that in mind, it would be cool if y'all could review my application.

Requirements:

*Must Be 21yrs Old

Check.

*You must enjoy going to Clubs

Super check.

*Must be able to attend & Host Weekly Events

Okay.

*Must be able to Socialize and Network with new people

Of course.

*Must be very energetic and outgoing

Maybe not.

* Must be stylish/Attractive/presentable

Proof.

*Must have a Electronic presence (Facebook, Myspace, Emails, etc)

Obviously.

*Must have transportation

You bet.

I really hope I get this gig, since I love going out so much. All in all, I think I put together a really strong portfolio. What do you think?

Looking at a Vince Carter Picture

Here's what I was thinking when I found this photograph of Vince Carter:

(scrolls down)

Christmas Suggestions: Charity Events

Dudes and dudettes, Christmas is fast approaching, and even though it's not even Halloween yet, you need to start thinking about what kind of presents you are going to buy the NBA fan in your life. Because my taste is impeccable (seriously, people have tried to pecc it, which has not been a fruitful endeavor), I will continually offer different gift packages that you can buy for yourself or your loved ones.

Right now, I'm really in to 'charity experiences'. Kinda think that getting to be a part of something that is bigger than myself is a really touching idea. And it feels like that kind of thing lasts longer than your standard Precious Moments/pajamas/gift card purchase. Seems more real. Plus, when you do something good for your community, you feel good about yourself. Win-win.

Some ideas that I've had recently:

Pay the Nets to tutor neighborhood children

Pros: kids get adult role models
Cons: one of them is Brook Lopez, which seems counterproductive

Let Shaq train fat neighborhood kids

Pros: kids learn health tips
Cons: Shaq is a grown-up fat kid, which seems counterproductive

Get Robin Lopez to teach neighborhood kids basketball

Pros: cheaper than Brook Lopez
Cons: you can't teach height so it's basically pointless

Let an NBA star coddle your baby

Pros: could get Kyle Korver, who babies like
Cons: could get Brad Miller, who babies dislike

Host a comedy night

Pros: players will overlaugh at your jokes to make you seem funny
Cons: will hog the mic

All in all, I think these are pretty excellent ideas and any one of us would be lucky to participate in any of them. In this economy, athletes will do anything for money, so these experiences aren't terribly expensive. And they're worth every penny. Feel free to use any or all of these, and I'll be sure to keep you up to date on additional Christmas gifts.

Brad Miller Watch: In the Community

The latest in Brad Miller ephemera...

Seems like a scary bro who just wants to be nice to youngsters.

Joe Smith Template

Hey dudes. I was reading the Internet last night, and I made it about halfway through when I came upon something pretty wacky. As you probably know, Joe Smith has played for a ton of basketball teams. This year, he's going to be a Hawk, which is his tenth team. That makes his team percentage (TP) exactly 33.3 percent (repeating). Since he's played for some teams more than once, his TTP (true team percentage) is somewhere closer to 40 percent. It's a complicated formula, so you'll have to trust me that it's true.

But that wasn't the wacky thing. The wacky thing that I previously mentioned is what I found in a restricted area of the NBA.com website.

Apparently, the NBA is doing a service to the 20 teams that Joe Smith hasn't yet played for by creating a template for their press packages. From what I've gathered, a team will just use this generic shot of Joe Smith whenever they acquire him. Furthermore, I've ascertained that this photo was definitely not created in MS Paint. That would just be insulting.

Because he's so well-traveled, David Stern has ordered that each team has a SMITH 32 jersey on hand so that he doesn't have to wait once he's traded for cap relief. I guess Stern feels that every team should have their chance to own a backup power forward with a decent 15 footer who can grow a bunch of different kinds of facial hair. It's some sort of grandfather clause, like when Craig McTavish didn't have to wear a helmet in the NHL.

Juwan Howard Attends Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp

Hi, I'm Phil Jackson of Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp. I like to eat beans. But I also like teaching acting. Nothing beats the thrill of teaching a youngster how to act like something else, except for winning NBA championships. That's number one. But after that, teaching young people how to act.

Just to recap: championships, then acting.

But acting isn't just young kids. There are old people in movies too. Like Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones and that jerk Jude Law. I can't stand Jude Law, with his British affectations and flowing hair. Anyways.

At Phil Jackson's Summer Acting Camp, we also teach old people to act. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, so that's why I didn't open a dog acting workshop. That's just bad business. But old people? You can sometimes teach them new tricks. Like acting. Just this summer, an old NBA player came to me, and wanted to learn to act. I'd like you to meet Juwan Howard.

Heeeyyyyyyyy.

Juwan came to me and said, "Phil Jackson, I need you to teach me to act, so I can catch on as a twelfth man for some team. I don't have the skills to play in the NBA anymore, but I don't want to sell cars just yet. Please Phil Jackson, you're my only hope." He's kind of long-winded. But I said yes. For a fee.

And it worked! Juwan is now the twelfth man for the Portland Trailblazers. Since it was so successful, I've decided to show some of my process in hopes that some more clients will show up. We just did a few simple exercises to get him in the right frame of mind for the upcoming season. Because Juwan is a good sport, he agreed to recreate those exercises in this demonstration.

Juwan, act like your teammates just got called for a foul that they didn't commit.

Very good. Maybe dial it back a little. You're kind of becoming a caricature of a bench player. You're on the right track though.

This time, act like your teammate just got a huge basket AND the foul. Go.
Take it back some.

Take it back.
TAKE IT BACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU'RE A JOKE JUWAN HOWARD!

I apologize. It appears that Juwan has forgot some of our basic tenets. Mostly the one about not overacting. Maybe they were right when they said you can't teach an old Juwan Howard new tricks. But I still have hope. In fact, I just got word that Michael Sweetney will be enrolling soon.

What Is In Carlos Boozer's Box?

Way to go Carlos Boozer! You found...

• Balloon Boy
• Stephon Marbury
• Lifetime supply of extra-strength Nair for Men
• Beard trimmer
• Whoop
• Picture of Talia Shire
• Human head
• Prime rib and peppercorn sub from Quiznos
• Book he ordered from Amazon a few weeks ago that he forgot about
• Car adapters for mp3 player, shipped from Singapore
• Less feminine bracelet
• A smaller box
• Packing peanuts
• Rock Band 2 for Wii
• Sardines

My First Acting Role

As y'all know, I've been trying to break in to 'show business' for quite some time. In February of last year, I wrote/directed/produced/starred in The Brad Miller Show (returning SOON, probably) which was a pretty big hit on the Internet. A lot of people compared it to the fourth season of The Wire, because it was so beautifully shot and authentic. Apparently, my work on TBMS opened some eyes, because just this weekend I co-starred in CSI: Miami with Pau Gasol of the Los Angeles Lakers.

Bros.

It was pretty chill. I learned a lot of things about Pau. For instance, he shaves hourly. His 'beard' just grows back that fast. Additionally, he taught me how to make all those crazy faces he makes. (I was a stunt double and had to be able to perfectly mimic him.)

Nailed it.

He says it's all in the sternocleidomastoid. That neck muscle gives Pau a lot of facial power and expressiveness. It was really interesting to learn 'crazy face' from a pro.

I also found out a bunch of inside info from Lakers training camp:

• Lamar Odom uses a Magic 8-Ball to make every decision in his life.
• Andrew Bynum smells like Listerine.
• Luke Walton likes soda.
• Phil Jackson's car is green.

Pretty invaluable stuff. I'm really glad I had this opportunity, and I hope that my performance opens the door for bigger and better acting roles. I really think I have a future in 'the Biz'.

"If you can make it in the suburbs of Chicago, you can make it anywhere." - Trey Kerby, October 15, 2009